it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
