the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
