I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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