Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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