In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
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