All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
