never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
