Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
