everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I want her autograph on my taint
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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