Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Dignity is for republicans.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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