i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why are your pants in the freezer?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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