He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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