I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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