Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize