i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
