awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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