lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize