I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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