im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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