yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
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