i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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