omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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