someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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