My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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