he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
