I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
