I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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