she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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