Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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