I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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