rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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