I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
