im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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