im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize