I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
