i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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