he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
