Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
