If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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