His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
