babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
