fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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