I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
