I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
