I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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