i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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