K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Girls should come with a carfax report
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
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