Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
