i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
