Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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