the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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