my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
