There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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