Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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