Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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