you lied. pity sex is amazing.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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