Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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