Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
