Already got asked if we're dating
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
